Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
