how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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