Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
