I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Randomize
