Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
