so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
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