meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
soo... how was my night?
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
