i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
