And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
