I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
