i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Randomize
