so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
