You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Randomize
