Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
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