i need an iv and a liver transplant
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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