Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
