He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
