I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
