You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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