STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
