you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
