I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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