My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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