1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
