Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
They took my balls.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
