While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Randomize
