I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
