He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
