the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
