textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
