I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Randomize
