when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
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