I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
