I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
