You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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