my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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