I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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