you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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