I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize
