He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
