I want you more than these girls want KFC
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
