I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
