I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
