i don't like sucking hair
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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