i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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