He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
