i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
