can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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