Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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