I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I am one with the molecules
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
